Fear of Ink
Fear of imperfection. Fear of being the next to fail
Last night, after I hit submit on my second post at 23.59 for the sixth day in a row1, I guess I felt kind of disappointed. This was the first time I felt like I really just rushed out a half-finished draft, moreso even than other days where it felt more like 80% done at least. I wanted to keep working and keep editing the posted draft after it was done, but I didn’t have the energy for this.
Instead, I went down to the common kitchen area, and saw the other people who were around. Two people had filled in the publishing form after midnight. One post was published right before midnight, just delayed in filling in the online form, and so was likely fine. The other truly had not published until after midnight. It didn’t feel real. I felt a pang thinking about it, so I chose not to think about it.
The next day, at the lunch time announcement, we were told the news. They had broken the pact. They had not published before 23.59. They were out of the program.
We had just arrived at the Bodega Bay venue for the weekend. And Kyle was not here. The reactions of people were nonchalant, no visible reaction.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I understand why Inkhaven was like this. But I didn’t like it.
I went for a nap some time, but it felt like some of the fun of writing every day had now just gone. What was a fun program where I just wrote everyday, had me now thinking “I could end up just like them. I could get sick. I could not have energy to write anything.” I felt fear.
I knew I was not actually at risk. I had been publishing 2x per day for 16 days. I was told they won’t kick me out if I miss the second post. But especially after how rushed my last post felt, failure to keep my personal commitments felt like a real option.
Guh, I just feel like omfg, I just need a break, i have had enough of this all, but in order to have a break I need to work twice as hard today, and I don’t have the energy for that.
Before I can publish anything, I feel like I have two competing forces. I need to not have more questions about the topic, so that I feel confident in posting it. But I need to have questions about the topic to be interested in actually looking into the topic at all. A bit of a double bind. Huh.
Being at Inkhaven, I kind better internalize that these are both just fake constraints. Working on a project it never ever feels like it’s fully “done”. just sometimes “good enough”. And sometimes getting from “good enough for me but not to publish to anyone else” to “good enough to publish” is not much more effort, and is all just mind games in my head.
But I wish I had more time. There is just so much to do. So much to read. So many unfinished drafts. I’ve barely had time to chat with most people or read their posts or go to events or listen to talks or get feedback on things or running some workshops. And the additional ugh of feeling like we could actually get kicked out for posting one minute late just adds to the stress.
But I’m still glad I came. Despite the stress and the new additional fear that weigh me down, the same constraints have helped me learn and to get so much more done.
well, one was 23:58 and another was 23:56, but spiritually true