Is life better as a Man or as a Woman?
Trying to understand whether it's better on the other side
I spent some time thinking about differences between genders.
I tried talking to Claude about this, reflecting on my life. I think to some extent, there are some tradeoffs with both, things that are better and worse about either.
Some like to complain that life would be better on the other side, but I think this often a case of “grass is greener” syndrome. In an ideal society, it would not matter whether one was male or female or whatever, and one could take whatever social roles they would like.
But there are just differences in what it’s like to be as one or the other. In how one conducts oneself. In how one is treated by others. In what opportunities are available. In the types of social relationships one is able to have by default.
Many of these are socially constructed, and can be changed with conscious power, but there are social dynamics that make it harder to choose your social environment as a man than as a woman. And there continues to be harder to earn more money as a woman than as a man. It seems unclear to me which is better overall, and likely it is pretty dependent on personality.
I think that, a priori, neither is really “winning”.
I had Claude generate two contrastive vignettes which have found useful to read a few time. It follows the lives of two highly specific caricatures, Jake, 25 ans and Emma, 25 ans.
I probably recommend reading it first. I will discuss some aspects from me that stood out on some few main aspects that differ most and quote them
Work Life
There is still a wage gap in how men and women are paid.
If one considers the vignette of Jake:
Jake earns 78k. He thinks about this number often. He has calculated that he earns more than 73% of people his age. He found this statistic on Reddit. He has not told anyone about this calculation. He would describe himself as "not really motivated by money."
And one can consider the vignette of Emma:
Emma earns 64k. She has calculated that Jake earns more than her1. She has thoughts about this. Some of the thoughts are about systemic inequality. Some are about whether she's behind. Some are about whether she should ask for a raise. She has not asked for a raise. She is worried it would be "awkward."
I find specifically the way these fictions describe attitude to work and salary to be weirdly on-point. Yes Jake likes earning more money, but mostly as a general status boost, and worries little. Yes Emma dislikes earning more money, but the specific feeling is different. There are more feelings of fairness and feeling of personal inadequate.
Social Life
I think social life is one of the aspects that is perhaps most different. Men tend to be much less socially vulnerable with their friends. To not discuss what has been stressful or on their minds. And to focus on having fun in the moment. To have feelings of competitive comradery with their friends.
Jake has a group chat called "The Boys." It has nine members. Three of them he hasn't spoken to individually in two years. The group chat is mostly memes and fantasy football. Last month, one of them got engaged. Jake sent a gif of Leonardo DiCaprio raising a glass. This was the most emotionally vulnerable he has been in the chat
Jake's best friend is Mike. They have been friends for seven years. Jake does not know Mike's middle name. He does not know if Mike has ever been to therapy. He does not know what Mike is afraid of. Last week they hung out for four hours. They talked about the NBA, a Netflix show, and Mike's car. Jake would say it was a great time. It was.
On the other hand, women do tend to be more emotionally vulnerable, to want to talk about what has been happening in their friends lives and to share what has been happening in their own. And to feel less of a competitive comradery per-se.
Emma has two best friends: Sophie and Mia. She has known them since college. She knows Sophie’s therapist’s name, her cycle, her complicated feelings about her mother, and the exact timeline of her last three relationships. She could write Sophie’s biography. Sophie could write hers.
Last week Sophie got a promotion. Emma felt a surge of genuine joy — not the kind she performs, real joy, in her chest. She also felt, underneath, a small flicker of something else. She does not want to look at this feeling. She is a good friend. She texted Sophie seventeen heart emojis and meant every one.
Mental Health
I find it particularly interesting to see how mental issues get treated differently in their lives. The more masculine way is described as:
He says "I'm good, just tired." This is not a lie exactly. He is tired. He is also something else but he doesn't have the word for it. If you asked him to describe his emotional state, he would say "fine" or "normal" or "I don't know, just... regular?"
There is an urge to feel strong and stable. That if you notice something, the correct response is to control the emotion and not to dwell on it. There is some benefit to this. But there is some cost to this.
This contrasts with the more feminine way.
She has named it. She has contextualized it. She has “done the work.” The hum is still there.
That yes, as a woman, you are more likely to want to fully process and understand your emotions. To describe what might right be wrong. To learn new behaviors to deal with them. To process what is happening.
This helps. But it doesn’t make it all go away.
Sex Life
Another aspect not talked about in the vignette, is feelings to sex.
One of the few strongly differentiated findings in the Clearer Thinking’s Gender Continuum test is that desire of sex is much higher in men.
In post by Evelyn McLean on “The Worst Kind of Horny”, she describes that things like Sex can be broken down as “desire to do” and “enjoyment from doing”. Her small study showed that “Men scored higher only on wanting sex (4.48 vs 3.71); everyone liked sex about the same”
My understanding is as such:
The qualitative experience of most men, to some extent, is that libido is not something that is “on” or “off”, but rather something that is ever present, and in many situations where it’s not needed, there is a very small but gentle hum where it still persists, ready to be activated at any time.
The qualitative experience of most women, is that libido very much is something that can be “on” or “off”. There is no “ever present background hum” to the same degree. It can be activated by hormones to some extent, and can be activated by some social contexts.
But liking sex was not particularly correlated to enjoying sex. There is some extent, to which this means that there are people who strongly want to have sex, but mostly dislike it. And some people who don’t have drive to have sex, but do enjoy it a lot.
You are more likely to be a person who “strongly wants to have sex, but mostly dislike it.” as a man, and to “be unmotivated my sex, but do enjoy it a lot.
Other thoughts
There are other considerations. One can gleam some ideas from trans spaces.
Trans men report having a less fulfilling social life, to be less able to be vulnerable with people, to have less support and reaching out to people feeling like less of an option.
Trans women report the opposite, but struggle more-so with discrimination in work, and feel more viscerally the how society feels dangerous as a woman.
And most trans people still choose to stick it out in their transition.
So I don’t think one can really gleam that one is better or worse, but one can perhaps notice which things one only does due to societal norms, and try to change those aspects to be better.
I find the explicit statement “She has calculated that Jake earns more than her” describing seeing that her salary is less than Jake’s as funny.